Happiness and Kindness: what is important?

I'd love you to read this article (link at the end of the post), written on a subject that is very close to my heart. Loving a child is a difficult process, being caught between that fierce sense of protectiveness and the desire to have the small person grow up into a compassionate, useful, loving member of a healthy society.

It can be particularly hard for new parents, or parents of only children, because when the child is very young they are still in the developmental phase of seeing the world as revolving completely around them. As they move out of that phase and start to empathize and understand the concept of other people being equally valid as human beings, they run into problems of perspective. What is fair? What is kind? It's crucial that as the child emerges into the new developmental phase we allow them to learn. If we continue to insist that nothing interferes with their sense of primary entitlement and importance, we stunt their development. Of course it's not an either/or situation. All of us try to encourage empathy as well as try to give our child affirming, joyful experiences. But where does joy really come from? Getting that trophy whether you deserve it or not? Or finding a way to relieve another person's suffering? Let's find the deeper, richer ways to find and affirm our children's sense of presence in the world. What do you think?

Click here for the New York Times article.

Our thoughts are with Japan

At this time of anxiety for the Japanese families and friends of our school community, I know you will join me in sending love, sympathy, hope and energy to everyone who has been touched by the disaster. Our own Penny Corbett, the SK business manager, has family and friends in Tokyo, and I'm including a link to her personal blog here as she has shared some stories of experiences from Japan that are moving and hopeful. The Japanese people are behaving with such dignity and mutual support, it's humbling. See Penny's blog here. Thank you for sharing, Penny.

middle school program planning

On Monday the faculty had an amazing planning day, thanks to the generosity and talent of Anne Leo, who organized a fantastic day of learning on the theme of Mardi Gras for our students, and freed up the teachers to spend the day working and developing programs together.

We met at the beautiful Common House at Sunward Co-Housing, a space that was provided by George Albercook, who lives in the co-housing community. (More about George in a minute.) The common house is a lovely space, buttery yellow inside with a sense of sunshine everywhere. We spent the morning refreshing and revitalizing our collective understanding of what project-based learning looks like; how it works, what it does, how students engage with it, what our goals are, and how it develops from kindergarten up to the programs we are building at middle school level. The afternoon was spent designing sample interdisciplinary projects. In between we talked excitedly over lunch and returned to find the amazing Jesse, not content with being a brilliant math teacher, dancer and singer, playing the piano in a side room. So a few minutes there just to listen and enjoy the sweetness.

The whole process of designing the middle school curriculum (and consequently revisiting the elementary curriculum and ensuring that the two truly enrich each other) has been an exercise in inspiration for me. I have been having more fun than I can describe. The experience with the faculty on Monday was pure joy. I went home at the end of the day just melty with gratitude that I am able to work with these brilliant, dedicated, adventurous people. The energy and wisdom they brought to the process was phenomenal. Listening to Ruth, Jan and Elaine throwing ideas around for an approach to Reflections Night that takes it to a whole new level of student involvement and ownership, watching Renata, Shan and Imogen synthesizing the beauty and history of language with a scientific approach to physical activity, hearing George Albercook and guest Monique Sluymers expound with passion on the subject of progressive education and the constructive, powerful ways we can implement and assess it, engaging the students actively at every level - all these experiences left me amazed at the good fortune that brought all these people together.

It was an enormously productive day. I want to thank everyone who was a part of it: the fabulous team led by Anne Leo that made it possible by providing a great day of activities for the students; the brilliant faculty who poured their ideas and energy into it; and all the network of people (from EMU faculty to other heads of school to parents to students to alumni to professional consultants) who have been helping me envision, design, think through, develop and probe the details of our new middle school programs. I am grateful to all of you for the gifts you bring.

Moments

From time to time tiny moments stop me in my tracks. Even after all these years of working with children, the 'awww' moments are as powerful as ever. This morning it was Laurea in morning care. She had found a book and was standing leaning up against a countertop reading. People talked to her and she simply didn't notice. It's not unusual - children do get completely absorbed in books. But it gave me one of those heart-rushes all over again.

A few weeks ago it was Renata with her class on the bus. I was driving them back from a field trip (Carolina Chocolate Drops - amazing!) and Renata started explaining something from the Mahabharata to one of the students. One thing led to another, and very quickly all the kids were hushed and rapt, listening to her tell the story of the prince who saved a woman from an unhappy marriage and how that led to her implacable hatred of him. I was rapt too. But what stayed with me was the breathless attention of the children listening to a Hindu epic on a bus.

Andrew put me completely beside myself yesterday as he asked Susan if he was allowed to go out for recess. With this one it's hard to explain, but I came over all weak at the combination of his bundled-up-winter-gear adorability, his little face with the hat on and his soft-spoken politeness as he asked permission. I think maybe you had to be there.

And then there was the rush of excitement as children checked the EB lists and we heard 'Yes! I'm in Calligraphy!", or "Yes! First choice! Winter Sports!" or "I'm writing the book!" again and again. It makes me teary when they show so exuberantly how much they love what they're doing.

OK, enough with the display of emotion. But I do want to say again, thank you for sharing your children with us. We all love them very much.

Annual Campaign!

In morning meetings, or even just standing in the passageway as children come in, I often feel a pair of small arms circle my legs, or a small body lean up against mine. I look down, and the person smiles up at me, or just gazes off into the middle distance while we hug. It might be Sophie, Arwyn, Adrian or Emma. It might be Arnav or Nilay. It might be Sydney. Old as she is, sometimes it's Melissa. You just never know.

These children are so special to me, and to all of us here. From the oldest children (who wouldn't be caught dead hugging the head of school any more) to the little brothers and sisters of our students who so often join us for the first few minutes of the day - all these people are individually and uniquely important to us. And the community of families we have is so appreciative and warm this year, it's an amazing feeling of privilege to me to work with you all. The whole atmosphere of the school is one of energy and love.

I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for being part of our school. Thanks to all of you who have made the first, amazing donations to the annual fund. I appreciate it so much. We need the support of all our families -it's great to know that we are all working together for the benefit of the children.

A couple of points to clarify: Summers-Knoll is a non-profit organization so your donation is 100% tax-deductible. If you want to claim it in your next tax return you need to make your donation before December 31st. (That would be wonderful for us too!) If you want to leave it till the New Year, you can still claim it the following year.

Thank you again to those of you who have already given - and thanks in advance to everyone else who will be participating in this campaign! This is a crucial way to keep the school healthy and moving forward in the best way for our children. I am so grateful to all of you for understanding that and stepping forward so willingly to offer your support.

The Benefits of Imperfection

I remember when my first child was born. He was so perfect, so tiny, so vulnerable, and he needed me 100%. Now look at him - an enormous eighteen-year-old with talents, brilliance, geeky charm and a whole range of complications that I certainly never planned for him. There's a huge desire when we are parents to control our children's lives so that they will never have to deal with fear, pain, disappointment, unfairness, or any of the other scratchy problems that this world offers us from day to day.

Unfortunately, that's life. It's part of the human experience. It's not possible to avoid it, and if it were it's surely not desirable. Our capacity for happiness is deepened by our capacity for sorrow. Our empathy for others comes from an understanding of what it means to suffer. Without experience of disappointment, triumph is a shallow thing. Every child has a journey to go on, and as parents and educators we need to be able to celebrate the milestones of these developing minds as they learn to tackle life with all their emotions engaged. Learning to negotiate the rapids now will give them tools and strength to cope with the avalanches and earthquakes that are inevitably going to shake them up later in life.

Click here for a great article, and wonderful food for thought. Enjoy the read!

A tip from Love and Logic

Periodically I get messages from the Love and Logic Institute, some of which are invitations to events or updates about publications, and some of which are tips to pass on to parents. The one that came today seemed useful to me as we all strive to help our children grow up honest and honorable. We use a lot of Love and Logic at SK, and I am passing this advice on to you as one way to communicate our approach and share it with our families.

"There are few things that leave parents angrier, or more worried, than when their kids act "truthfulness-challenged." The good news about lying is that kids do it. What I mean is that all youngsters experiment with bending the truth, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll end up becoming con men, criminals or politicians. That is, as long as we can help them see that honesty really is the best policy.

One way of achieving this goal is to apply the following steps:
Use "I feel like you lied to me" rather than "You lied to me."

If your kid replies with "No, I didn't!" this allows you to say, "I know…but I feel like you did."

Help the child see lying as an index of maturity.

Achieve this by saying, "When I feel lied to, it makes me wonder whether you are mature enough to handle some of the privileges you enjoy around here, like television, your video games, and things like that."

In an empathetic way, let the child know that privileges will return when maturity goes up.

"The good news is that when you can prove to me that you are more mature, I'll know that it's time for you to have these privileges again."

Remember that parenting isn't like a jury trial: There's no need to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

Far too many parents get snowed by their manipulative kids and begin to wonder whether they are jumping to conclusions. I recommend trusting your heart and saying, "All I know is that I feel lied to, and I know that your life will be a lot happier if you learn how to avoid leaving people feeling that way."

More information at www.loveandlogic.com.